Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Venting about the office...

Here's a gag I wrote when I was working as a temp in a bank. It was published in my mini, "Spit-Toons #1" (which I'm selling in the Shop). My job was to pull staples out of large volumes of stock info print-outs and then run them all through a document scanner and to then staple them again and file. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time doodling and writing down contemptuous stuff about office work in a journal I kept. Here's a list (though really dumb, I figured hell, why not post it?) that I wrote when I was working there:

1. Journey to the center of a Ding-Dong
2. Pay Your Rates
3. Cardiac Arrest Spreadsheet
4. Still touching your base
5. The CEO ate my virgin daughter
6. Phoney greeting while fantasizing about homicide
7. "There's some cocaine on your lip, sir."
8. Precision Porking with Peggy; a Powerpoint Presentation
9. Trade stocks until you implode
10. Willy the mail-boy smells like pee
11. Still quoting numbers, even in the after-life
12. Around the water-cooler, chattin' about The Third Reich
13. Corporate noose is good noose
14. Temp working on a permanent basis
15. "Yes, the report's ready, massah!"
16. Daily metaphoric anal sodomy
17. Affinity for AK-47's
18. Company Mission Statement: "We Like Rape!"
19. My mug says, "Already Dead."
20. "My secretary's fat and I deserve better."
21. Cost-effective fucking with people's livelihoods
22. "That pension plan gives me a hard-on."
23. How to run a better company by patenting your employees
24. "Vicky complimented me on my new silk tie."
25. Rock-n-Roll mail-merge
26. Profit-sharing with a cock in your mouth
27. Increase productivity by mandatory blood-letting
28. 99 ways to sleep on the job without being caught
29. "Bring Your Guns & Bombs to Work Week"
30. Portrait of the artist as a wage slave
31. Old McDonald (CEO) had a cube farm
32. Four ulcers and no sick-days left
33. "Put down the bull whip, I'll 'CC' Linda..."
34. Brett jizzes in Mindy's eyes, but it's okay 'cause she has vision coverage
35. "Mr. Henderson, I just took a bifurcated shit."
36. Gradual lobotomy with stock options
37. "Didja see my main man Jonathan's figures for July?"
38. Sign above desk reads: "Feel Whorish & Miserable Here"
39. "Did you get my memo about burning your house down?"
40. Satanic blood orgy written off as business travel expense
41. "Hey everyone, look! Cindy's 'on the same page' with me!"
42. Ergonomically correct coffin
43. Retirement party with no memory of achievement
44. Using "petty cash" to buy a bottle of Ripple Wine
45. Entry-level position: on all fours with ass in the air
46. Weather Underground screensaver on my desktop
47. Hidden misanthropy in flow-chart


C.Cilla said...

yer list made me spit/spray hot coffee all over my erect penis.
it's cool to talk about my penis here, right?

Ricko said...

Dude, I've done that job! I wish I'd had this list at the time, though. Maybe it would've made me feel a little better.

Oh, and if Cilla gets to talk about his penis, then I'm bookmarking this fucker.

It's okay to say fucker, right?